Dear Social Services

Published August 6, 2013 by swanfreddie

Dear Social Services

Do you know how hard I found it to pick up the phone and ring your team asking for help with my disabled son? Do you know how guilty I felt calling you to arrange a ‘child in need assessment’ on my child because i’m not coping with him anymore? Do you know how desperate I am for you to help my family? It wasn’t a decision I took lightly. Let me explain why things are so hard so maybe you’ll understand that me and my husband aren’t just bad parents but in desperate need of help with our difficult situation.
You see, our son Freddie is severely disabled. He relies on me and my husband 24/7 for his care needs. We have become his legs as he cannot walk, his voice as he cannot speak and his hands as he cannot use them properly, We are his comforter when his sensory issues take over and his advocate at his hospital appointments. We are his nurse who deals with his medicines and gastrostomy, we are his therapist and his teacher.
Caring for Freddie is hard work. Harder than alot of people imagine. I’m sure when you came into my house to do Freddie’s assessment and he flashed his wicked smile at you and sat cuddling me quietly that you thought life wasn’t so hard for us. But have you really thought about the impact caring 24/7 can have on a family? Did you consider this when you closed our case and said there wasn’t much you could do for us?

As well as having Freddie we also have a 4 year old daughter. She often gets overlooked due to Freddie’s care needs. She gets told to “wait while I deal with Freddie” “I can’t do that right now i’m sorting Freddie out” “No we can’t go out we have too much to do with Freddie” “No we can’t do that to day we have a hospital appointment with Freddie” Her needs have to be put 2nd behind Freddie’s. We try our best to give her a happy childhood, but sometimes, when she is constantly told that she cannot do what she would like as her brothers needs are greater it can be hard on her. This is one of the reasons we have become so desperate for you to help us. We want time to spend with our daughter away from all the caring associated with Freddie. So that when we go to a restaurant we don’t have to tell her to eat as quickly as she can as Freddie is screaming or so we don’t have to make her leave our day trip early as Freddie has had enough. We want to be able to take her out as a two parent family rather than one parent staying at home to care for Freddie. Surely our daughter deserves to have this?
As well as wanting a break for my daughter I also want it for myself. 3 years of 24/7 caring can take it’s toll. My back is begin to hurt from all the lifting and my stress levels have become so bad I’ve had to visit the doctor. I fear that if I continue with no break then I will struggle to care for Freddie properly. Surely you want to intervene and offer respite before it gets to this point?

As you know we have just relocated to a beautiful part of the UK with beaches right on our doorstep. We were so excited to spend hot, summer days lounging on the beach while the children could play but this has not been the case. Freddie and beaches just don’t mix. As Freddie dribbles so much the sand sticks to him like glue so he ends up covered in it. Which would be fine if he didn’t constantly have his hands in mouth or keep rubbing his eyes. After 10 minutes of scrapping handfuls of sand from his mouth and trying to hold Freddie still while we got sand out of his eyes we decided to leave. But it’s not just the beaches that have become inaccessible to us. Alot of day trips in Cornwall are hard to do as access is limited due to the nature of the landscape. On several occasions we have arrived at our location only to have to turn back home as there are too many steps for us to get down with Freddie. But it’s not just access that ruins our daytrips it’s also Freddie’s behaviour. Firstly Freddie hates being in the car. He will scream for hours and hours on a car journeys so we are tired and stressed before we have even arrived at our destination. Secondly Freddie doesn’t tolerate being out of the house for long periods of time. He gets fed up and starts screaming, so most of family days out that we planned get cut short. And thirdly the amount of planning that has to go into taking Freddie on a trip somewhere is huge. We have to ensure we have the right food for him, enough of his prescription milk, we have to make sure we have medicines, nappys, plenty of bibs and changes of clothes. It’s tiring just get ready for a day out before we have even left the house. So we have now cut down on the amount of days out we have. We have started to spend more and more time at home. Is this really fair on us as a family? That we have to become house bound. If you offered as some respite it would enable us to enjoy a day out with Evie while Freddie could enjoy some 1:1 with a carer.

Perhaps you think i’m selfish for wanting a break. Do you see me as a bad mother for wanting some time out from my son? Is it too much to ask to have a few hours to eat a meal while its hot or to take a bath in peace? Is wanting taking my daughter out for the day with my husband wrong of me? Am I asking for too much to have a few hours of respite once a week so I can go out and enjoy myself? Do you know how guilty I feel when I put my son to bed at night and I breath a sigh of relief that I will get a bit of peace from him? Do you know how horrendous you feel as a mother to be happier when your son is in bed just because you can relax? I don’t want to feel like this. I want to enjoy the time I spend with Freddie and with a few hours a week respite to recharge my batteries I would be able to do this. But since you told me there is nothing you can offer us I don’t see how my family can get the much needed break that we all need.

Alot of people have told me that I should cry on you. Show you my tears so you really understand how hard it is. But I don’t want to jump through your hoops or beg at your feet. I have come to you for help, I have admitted that we find it tough so I don’t see why you think it’s ok to turn your back on us. To close our case and leave us struggling despite me picking up the phone and asking you to help us.
By leaving us without respite you will make my health worse, Evie may start resenting me as she never has my full attention and her relationship with her brother may be affected as he has always come first. My marriage may begin to suffer as we never get to spend any time together, by not offering us the few hours respite that we need you are tearing apart my family. When I rang you for help I never thought you would just leave us.

Luckily i’m a strong person and I will keep fighting. I will do what I can to keep my family happy with or without your help.

Freddies mum

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7 comments on “Dear Social Services

  • You are an incredible family, two beautiful children blessed with two wonderful parents. Never ever feel guilty, you are amazing. I care 24/7 for my elderly mother who has brain damage following a stroke and it is very tough but also rewarding. You hang in there and get help, demand it, then enjoy all the good times

    Bless you all Jackie x

  • I really admire you for writing this so honestly & feel frustrated on your behalf. I work on a voluntary basis for a national charity called Homestart who may be able to pair you up with a volunteer in your area who may be able to offer you some help. It would only be for a couple of hours a week but it would allow you a breather for a bit or some time to have 1:1 with your daughter. I hope you are able to get the help you need. x

  • I feel so sorry for this young family. The social services are cruel for not listening to this mother who certainly loves her children. She should be allowed to spend a few hours with her husband & Evie without Freddie. They need quality time with Evie who doesn’t need to be pushed aside for Freddie all the time. So social services need to take the right steps forward to help this family.

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